Steady Progress

As I sit typing this, the Doctor is practicing her violin, as she has done every weekday for the past eight and one half years. As she is practicing, I am reflecting on the changes brought about in her musical abilities and understanding. She has come so far, both as a human being (she has been playing for almost three quarters of her life at this point!) and as a musician.

She does not practice willingly, but as her father and I believe that it is good for her, for all three of them, to study music, she practices. I have explained the benefits to her, but she is still a child who frequently wants her way... such is childhood. Being an obedient sort, though, she does practice. And she is actually quite good. I say this, not as a proud mother, but as a fellow musician and teacher of musicians. She will never be a concert violinist, and she has no desire to be. But she has an excellent ear and a quick mathematical mind, which gives her quite an advantage.

But I digress.

I can hear the differences in her playing, but I am not as sure she can. I know she realizes how much more she knows in terms of pieces and techniques, scales, arpeggios, and the like, but I don't know if she knows how much she's truly grown as a musician.

And I wonder... is this how God sees us? Does He look at us, look at how long we've been "practicing" Christianity (in the form of walking with Him in relationship), and see how much we've grown? Does He take Godly pride in how far we've come? Does He, while seeing our mistakes, still smile at how those mistakes have changed over the years? What would He tell us about our walk with Him if we could audibly hear Him? If we could sit down with Him for a few hours a week like Adam and Eve could do while they were still in Eden? What woud He say? I know there would be correction, but I'm pretty sure there would be encouragement as well (given that we are commanded to encourage others in the Bible is several places).

We realize how much we've learned, I think, in terms of Bible study, preaching, about His character. But do we realize how far we've come as Christians? Or do we see only the mistakes? Do we only "hear" the wrong notes? The out of tune ones? How much of our time do we spend on reliving the missteps, the sinful behaviors, words, and thoughts, verses how much time do we spend thanking God for how far He's brought us? Because, ultimately, we cannot do this on our own. Our holiness comes only from God alone. Anything of Him that is evident in us is only because He is working. How much do we acknowledge His work, praise Him for His work, and ask Him to continue? In my life, I'll admit, not much. I see so much of how I fail, how I am wrong and sinful. And when I do realize that I'm not the same as I was before, my pride rears up and wants to take credit. But I can't. And I would be much farther along if I would trust God more consistently, more fully, and more daily.

I just wonder as a parent sometimes, "Is this how God feels?" Today was one of those days.

Heart Problems

Two women show up for church, dressed essentially identically: mid-calf length dresses with a "modest" neckline, hose, and low-heeled pumps.  Hair is neatly done, make-up well-applied but not obvious.  If you were to see these women on a daily basis, you'd probably see variations on the theme, pants some days, sneakers maybe, but nothing that anyone would find particularly immodest.

But their hearts are in two different places -- one, with a heart to worshipping God, and not setting a stumbling block for her brothers and sisters in Christ; the other with a heart to show off just how "modest" she is.  The first has a thriving relationship with Christ, and her wardrobe, lifestyle choices, and daily life reflects that.  The second has a list of rules that she tries very hard to live by, maybe she's a Christian, maybe she just tries to look like one.

Here's the thing -- everything we do is to be done with our heart.  Modesty isn't about how we dress.  Modesty is about not drawing undue attention to ourselves.  Does this impact our clothing choices? It should.  Does it impact whether or not we audition for the solo at church?  It should.

If our heart is not in truly glorifying God, then anything we do is truly just self-glory. It is idol worship, and the idol is ME.

At the heart of it all is the heart. Where is my heart? To Whom (or whom) does it belong?

Even Homeschooled Kids are Sinners

We homeschool. I love it. I firmly believe in it as a good, viable, legal, moral, and Godly option for education. I will not argue that it's the ONLY good, viable, legal, moral, and Godly option, though. So you're in the wrong place if you want that.

Here's something you don't often see homeschoolers publically admitting, though. Homeschooled kids are still sinners. Keeping them away from the public school setting, with all its temptations and ungodly influences and worldly curriculum doesn't change that children still love the world and the things of the world. It doesn't change their rebellious hearts. Only God can do that, through His Holy Spirit. Let that sink in - Only God can do that, through His Holy Spirit. My kids, until the point of repentance and regeneration are unregenerate sinners bound for an eternity in hell. Homeschooling won't save them.

What I fear homeschooling may do, if I am not very careful, is create highly moral sinners. Ones with a false sense of eternal security. That's a fearful thing to have. It's what all those cults promise.

Homeschooling can be a bed of self-righteous Pharisee-ism if I am not careful. It can, in fact, hinder them from coming to a true saving relationship with Christ. Honestly, it would be better for me to put them in the public schools than to get in the way of their true eternal salvation.

As with anything, much prayer is needed to avoid the pitfalls of legalism.

A Question to Ponder

With last Sunday being Mother's Day, and Saturday being Birth Mother's Day, I began to ponder a few things. One of which is this:
One of the big justifications I hear for having an abortion is "I could never just GIVE UP my baby to someone else!" in a horrified manner. My question is this - how is having your baby murdered any better than giving them up for someone else to love? What makes this option more palatable to so many young women? How have we as a society made it that way? What are we failing to teach or believe that leads young women to this conclusion?
OK, that's more than one question, but it's all related. I have no answers for any of those questions, but I think it's well worth pondering. And maybe making some changes.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things

I love homeschooling. I cannot imagine education any other way, really. Even though my siblings and I went to public school, in many ways we were homeschooled. My parents, especially my mother, had a heart for teaching her children.

Here's a list of a few of my favorite things about homeschooling:

1. The relationships. My kids' primary relationships are in our family. Their sibling relationships are strong. As are our relationships as parents with them. There aren't other adults intentionally getting in the way, trying to make us look foolish and destroy that relationship.

2. Watching them learn. I love it when one of the girls comes up against a really tough concept in math, or science, or music and works hard and then finally the lightbulb comes on. They get so excited, and get excited for each other. I love it.

3. Unbound curiosity. Unbound, in that it is not squashed by a curriculum that "must" be gotten through. If my oldest wants to camp out on abnormal physiology for six months, while my youngest studies the gross anatomy of a cat, they can. No one is telling them that they "must move on, because curriculum."

4. Limitless curiosity. This is different. Their curiosity has no end. I truly believe that this is how childhood in general should be spent - asking questions, and seeking answers. By experimentation, by research, by finding a person who can explain. Finding the answers to those questions, then asking new questions brought about because of those answers. This is education. This is learning.

5. Deeper talks. The girls and I talk about a great many things. We discuss socialism and why it has always failed, the gift of pain, government, self-government, right and wrong, and many other topics. Sometimes deeply, sometimes on a surface level. But their questions are big and deep. And they THINK. Kids like to think, when we don't tell them what all the "right" answers are.

6. Time together. Honestly, you cannot get quality time without quantity time. You cannot trust someone you do not know. You cannot know someone without spending time together. Limited "quality time" is a myth. It just does not exist.

7. I know what is going into them. I know what they are learning. I know because I chose the curriculum. I know because I am their primary teacher. I can tailor what they are learning to their individual maturity level and our family's worldview because that's what is best for them.

8. Routine. They are part of my routine. School breaks are nothing to dread for me, because the girls are already a vital part of my everyday routines. They are not a nuisance, but a help.

9. Slower pace. We intentionally keep a slower pace. I believe that unstructured time is best for children. It allows them to play, to run, to explore. If all their time is spent running from one place to another, going from sitting in a desk to sitting in a car to sitting at the table to do homework, they are hindered in their development. And we do not yet know how that hindrance will impact them in adulthood.

10. Flexibility. We can schedule trips around life. School doesn't become an albatross preventing us from doing things with others that we'd really love to do.

Summer Writing

I love words. I love reading, writing, speaking, and listening. I love the connection with people. I love ideas, big sweeping ideas. And I love to write and talk about ideas.

With that in mind, I have challenged myself to write every week day this summer. Sometimes, that will be on here. Sometimes, that will be for my own journal, or a story I'm writing. (I keep telling myself I'm going to finish a novel if it kills me. So far, it hasn't happened.) Sometimes, it will be a note for someone else. But my challenge is to write every week day. We'll see how it goes.

That's why I'm writing this now -- to fulfill my self-imposed challenge. This will be today's writing, but normally I'll go for something more creative or expressive. But for now, this challenge is out there, and now it's "real".

"Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" (part 2)

In part 1, I discussed the fact that we are not loving people well when we accept the sin...  (The TRUTH part of speaking the truth in love.)

Now I want to discuss the LOVING part of speaking the truth in love.  Otherwise, we're just Westboro "Baptist Church".  (I put those last two in quotes on purpose.  They are not a real church.)

We must be careful when we confront someone, or let someone know that something is a sin.

I find this a pretty simple procedure for me (even though I don't always follow it!)  The question is -- "How do I react when someone disagrees with me on this?"  If I am loving them, a decision to continue in sin will break my heart and drive me to prayer.  If I am simply being driven out of a desire to "be right," I will get angry.  All too often, I am speaking out of a desire to be right.

Am I gloating over how "wrong" the person is, how "holy" I am?  Am I behaving like the Pharisee in Luke 18:10-14?  If so, I need to work this out FIRST, through prayer and repentance. 

Will I rejoice at their repentance because it restores (or brings them into) a relationship with God?  If so, then I can go ahead.

Also, I need to ask why the person should listen to me?  Have they seen my fruit?  Do I actually know them well enough?  Have I disqualified myself from speaking because of an unresolved wrong I have done to them?  All too often, we leave a comment on a FB post or a website that actually causes more harm than good.  Because our tone cannot be read, all too often, our comment is taken in the worst way imaginable.  We live in a world, in a society, that wants to see Christians in the worst light possible.  We must be careful not to malign the name of Christ.  Does this mean that we don't speak up, to stand for Christ?  NOT AT ALL!  I'm just saying to pray, check with God before you type, or speak.  Check your motivation.  Pray.  Pray before, pray during, and pray after.  And leave the results to God.

"Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" (part 1)

If you've been a Christian for more than about 15 minutes, you've heard the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin."  It's a paraphrase of a quote from Gandhi.  We can have a discussion on the wisdom of making a Buddhist quote into a tenet of our Christian faith, but that's a discussion for another time...

Today, I want to say that we, as Christians, are actually doing the opposite.  Or at the very least, we are encouraged to, often expected to.

Sadly, we have bought the lie that in order to "love the sinner" we must accept whatever sin is part of his or her life.  I'll use an example that relates close to me.

I easily fall into the sin of worry.  I tend to overthink, to obsess, and then to worry.  A true friend would lovingly ask me if I am worrying.  Something like this, "Yes, what you are dealing with is scary.  Are you trusting God to handle it, or are you spending your time in worry?  How are you handling this?"  Then, they might remind me of God's faithfulness, of His provision, even of His right to do as He pleases with me (even up to, and including, my death).  It wouldn't be easy to hear, no, but a true friend who loves me well would ask, gently and lovingly, where my heart was, and if I had fallen into sin.

The world, and many in the church, would tell us to say, "I understand your worry!  You have every right to worry about this, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just being 'judgey' and harsh!  Just tell them they aren't perfect either."  Sadly, too many times, we do just that.  But that's just an encouragement to sin.

We all have areas of sinfulness, things that tempt us and lure us in.  We need faithful friends who help us to really look at that sin and call it what it is.  We need honest Christians who will help us see the ugliness of disobedience and the separation it causes.  (Not eternal separation for the believer, but a breach in the relationship!)

All too often, under the guise of "understanding," we are the cause of a brother or sister stumbling, or continuing in sin!  This is a serious issue.  Understanding is all well and good, as well as a humble heart that says cries out "There but for the grace of God go I!"  But do not let us use that as an excuse to encourage sin!  Instead, let's warn each other lovingly, openly confess our weaknesses to those who love us enough to call us on our sin.  And then, let's not get prideful and angry when someone warns us.

With a heavy heart, I must say that we have decided to "Love the sin, hate the sinner."  Under the guise of love and acceptance.  Allowing someone you truly love to continue with harmful behavior without warning isn't love, or acceptance.  It's hating them.  Loving someone is wanting what is best for them.  The absolute best is an unhindered relationship with their Savior and God.  Under the guise of "acceptance," we are, all too often, encouraging fellow believers to harm that relationship or unbelievers to forgo that relationship altogether.  How scary would it be to get to eternity and hear that our actions actually hindered someone from coming to salvation!

The Homeschooling Introvert

When the girls were all small, I would read things, or hear other moms talk, about their longing for adult conversation.  All I longed for was NO conversation.  I didn't need to spend time talking to others.  I needed -- I craved -- quiet.  All that noise, all those needs, all those things that come with having small children at home.  It wore me out.

And then we decided to homeschool.  I'll admit -- I was the one who brought it up.  I felt like it was probably the best thing for our family.  But it still didn't change my need for quiet.  It didn't still all the noise, the needs, the constant talking.

As we have continued on this journey, the girls have gotten older, more self-sufficient in their daily needs.  And the pressure is less.

I am still an introvert.  I still choose to homeschool.  Now I am finding the joy in that journey.

Homeschooling as an introverted mom is not always easy.  It is a lot of work, as is any worthwhile task.  But it is getting easier.  The conversations are less "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I need ______________ (some physical need)" and more "Mama, I've been struggling with ________________ (some spiritual matter)."  There's less jump and run to prevent catastrophe, and more discussions of why something is/was a bad idea, and what consequences would follow.

I wish someone had told me that introverted parenting and homeschooling wouldn't always be the draining experience of the early days.  I wish someone would have told me that someday, I would genuinely enjoy my children.  That the things that truly drained me most would be outgrown.

Now, all three are at camp this week.  Sleeping away from home.  Fidget for the first time.  I am enjoying the quiet, the alone-ness that comes with having no one else at home during the day.  But it's not the desperate "where is all my alone time going?!" feeling that it would have been before.  I look forward to having them home, to picking them up and hearing all about their new friends, and the time in the pool, and the good food they ate, and all the silly songs they will be singing for months after this week ends.

In part, I am learning that it is OK to be an introvert, that it does not make me a bad parent.  That need for quiet is just a part of who I am created to be.  What would make me a bad parent is letting it rule everything, demanding always to get what makes me comfortable.  Learning to balance what I truly need with what the children truly need is a constant job.  One I hope to get right one day.

Life Isn't Fair, Praise God!

The Cowgirl and I were driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store.  She had spent her own "commission" money and bought treats for herself and her sisters.  As she was trying to figure out how she would divvy up said treats, she asked, "Mama, is this fair?" and then proceeded to explain what each girl would get.
I paused a moment, before explaining to her that "fair" would mean she kept all the treats for herself.  After all, she had earned that money doing chores.  That the word for her behavior was "generous."  I then explained that the Bible says that God loves a cheerful giver, because God Himself is a giver.
Then it hit me...
"Fair" would mean God keeps all the good for Himself.  He earned it, He created it, He gets to keep it!  It would mean Hell for me.  It would mean an immediate cessation of life, an immediate descent into an eternity separated from God.  If God were truly being "fair," life would be a bleak (and short!) trek.
"Generous" is anything other than that.  Even if it isn't what I want.  Even if it isn't as much as someone else has.  Even if it's "bad" by my perception.  God alone deserves all the praise, all the good, all the LIFE.  He alone deserves glory, and peace, and love.  Yet He generously, graciously, cheerfully gives to us, shares with us.  He allows us to live.  He allows us to love.  And most amazingly, He gives us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him, here and in eternity!
This realization seriously changed how I look at many things.  I'm not always mindful of this fact.  I still grumble and complain.  But I am remembering, more and more.  I am becoming more thankful, even as I work through serious disappointments, hurts, and heartaches.

Every time I hear someone complain about unfairness, I hear the elderly ladies of my childhood say. "Life's not fair."  And I think -- PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!

In Search of a Savior

I have recently taken some time away from Facebook.  It didn't really start out as an intentional thing.  I more stumbled into a break, deliberately avoiding FB one day at a time.  Each day, I chose to avoid FB, only checking in occasionally, with no real thought as to this being a real break.

Then I got back on for quite a stretch yesterday, and I was left feeling -- empty.  Like a vacuum.  As I thought about why, I came to a realization about current events...

Our country is searching for a savior.

We're in a highly contested election cycle.  With four actual contenders (two on each "side").  And almost everyone has "picked their pony," so to speak.  Only this time, it seems much more personal. 

Our country is in trouble on many fronts.  The answers as to why, and the "solutions" for fixing this are varied.

I believe, deep down, that we are searching for a savior.  We want someone to come in to fix all the broken things, to right all the wrongs, and to set us on a path to peace and prosperity.  In picking our candidate, many have identified with that person as a "savior."  It's no wonder then that so many get so angry when someone else disagrees with their choice.

Here's the problem -- there is only One qualified to be Savior.  Only One who can right the wrongs, fix the broken, and set us on a path to true peace and true prosperity (as opposed to the temporary, false "peace and prosperity" offered here on earth, often by practitioners of a false gospel).

Sadly, the ones I see most often getting irrationally angry over the perceived slights to their "savior" are those who claim the name of Christ.  The church should be the voice of reason in all of this.  We ought to be able to point people to the One True Savior.

But we can only do this by laying down our idol -- our own false "savior" and praying conscientiously that God's will be done in this election cycle.  Repenting of our own worship of one candidate, one party, or even one system of government.

I can say this because I can fall into this all too easily.  I found myself eight years ago worrying over the election, worrying over who might be our next president.  Now, I wasn't convinced that ANY of our choices was a savior in the wings, but rather that the WRONG choice would be the ruin of our country.  And I "worried" to God.  (I can't say I prayed.  I really just used God as a sounding board for all my worries.)  And He brought to mind this verse -- "Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Psalm 20:7 (NIV)  I feel safe to say that we can add "government" to that without stretching the meaning.

So I pray that God's will be done, and that He show us mercy as a nation.  Because we have turned our back on Him.  And I will trust that God's will WILL be done.  But know this -- God's will is often very hard, very difficult, and does not look at all like what we "want" in our fallenness.  Because God's will is bigger -- our salvation, not our comfort; our holiness, not our happiness.  God desires us to desire Him, and if things are too good in the here and now, we often don't want Him at all, don't see our need for Him.

I would urge you to ponder this -- how would "YOUR" candidate answer this question -- "How will you be our savior?!  What is your plan to save us?!"  If you are not fairly confident that (s)he would say "I am unqualified to save you, there is only ONE who is qualified for that job," then you may need to rethink your choice.

And if you find you simply cannot lay this idol down, then maybe consider sitting this election out. I would argue that it's more important that you search God and trust HIM than that you "do your civic duty" and vote.

If you're looking for a Savior, then please, PLEASE find a Bible and read the book of John.  Or find a Christian, one you see living out a life of service, and ask them to explain it to you.  But don't look to mere humans.  We will let you down every time.

Why Autism Friendship is a Thing of Beauty

        There is beauty in friendships.  Friendships of all kinds, but there is a unique beauty in friendships with people on the Autism Spectrum.  The Doctor's best friend has Autism.  (For this post, I'll call him "the Friend," for his and his family's privacy.)

        Now, there are a few things you should know about my family and me before I go any further:

        1.  None of my children are on the spectrum.  They are all

        neuro-typical.  This is not a point of pride, just a statement of

        fact.

        2.  I am not advocating for people with Autism.  I am woefully

        unqualified to do this.  Plus, I find it awkward when people try

        to advocate for "other" groups.  At best it comes across as

        patronizing, at worst, it comes across as offensive.  (You know,

        the "Be kind to the poor [fill in this blank with a random group]

        people.  You might be the only friend they have!"  Makes me

        want to hurt someone.)

        3.  I am also not advocating for parents of children with Autism. 

        They are the best advocates I know, and no one has asked me

        to advocate for them.  It, quite honestly, is not my place.

        4.  I AM advocating for my own children.  After all, they're the

        children I love best in the world, and the ones that I advocate

        for most naturally!

        With all that in mind, I want to give you the reasons that I am so thankful that the Doctor has a dear friend with Autism:

1.     Acceptance.  What could be better than someone who accepts you for who you are, without manipulating you into feeling like you need to change to be loved?  Well, that's what the Doctor has found in the Friend.  He has NOT ONCE ever made her feel like she's "less worthy" of his friendship.  He has never manipulated her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

2.     Another mom loves my child.  Along with #1, the Friend's mom LOVES my child.  (Well, all three of my children.)  She is in "the Doctor's corner" so to speak.  Take a moment to let it sink in how HUGE that is.  It's hard to find that within families, let alone friends.

3.     Total family acceptance.  The Friend not only cares for the Doctor.  He has accepted all three girls totally.  Fidget is often the recipient of his care.  I'll give you a quick story to summarize what this looks like.  The Friend's mom and I took all our kids to a movie one time.  Fidget got upset about half-way through, and the Friend loaned her his brand-new stuffed animal to comfort her.  He didn't make a big deal out of it, he just saw her crying and did what he could to make it better.

4.     Understanding and empathy.  This is another "story" one, because the Friend's actions explain it best.  One Sunday after church, the Doctor was upset because her paper tore.  So, he hunted down a new piece of paper for her.  No fuss, no big deal made, just saw a hurting friend and did what he could to fix it.

5.     He lends her his "brave."  The Doctor had always been cautious, often to the point of fearful.  (She is the oldest after all!)  She wants to know it's all "safe."  But the Friend isn't concerned as much about "safety."  (Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism often go hand-in-hand, and the Friend is no exception.)  He is very physical, and while he has NOT ONE TIME ever made the Doctor feel like a scaredy cat for not following, he has encouraged her to test her limits.  As a result, she is far more confident in her own skin, and in the world around her.  He has helped her overcome her fear simply by taking her along if she's willing, but being perfectly content to do things alone if she isn't.  How many friendships can make that claim?  Encouragement without manipulation.  It's a beautiful thing.

6.     This one is completely selfish -- drama-free friendship for me.  The Friend's mom and I have become close.  I don't have to feel bad when last-minute plans fall through, because she has learned an amazing amount of flexibility.  We rarely make "hard and fast" plans, because we have ten kids between us!  But if I need something, she's the first on my call list.  She can keep a confidence like no one else.  And she loves my kids.  If something comes up, she's not going to be "sharing" with 354 of her best friends on FB.  If I have to cancel, I can be honest, and disappointed, without worry that she'll think I don't care about my kids, or her, or whatever else.  She understands.  What a gift!

7.     The beauty of "messy life" lived honestly together.  Life in this fallen world is messy.  Always.  All too often, our "friendships" are based only on the best, most polished bits of us.  This breaks down quickly with a "special needs" family.  The beauty of this for me is this -- I don't feel like I need to keep up the "spit-shined" image, either.  When I am tired, or weepy, or struggling, I have a true friend who will listen, and pray for me.  And still keep caring.

        OK, I think this is long enough.  But I think it's time that NT parents advocate for our OWN children by fostering friendships with children on the spectrum.  Not because our children "can learn a lot" from the "patience" needed, nor because "those children NEED our children to befriend them."  (Seriously, I've seen that attitude several times, and it makes me SICK!)  Rather because, these friendships are an absolute gift, a treasure, rare and beautiful for the NT kids.  And their mamas.

Doing it all

          "How do you do it all?!"

           I hear this question most of the time when I tell someone I homeschool.  Rarely do I hear the "socialization" question, and NEVER when my girls are with me.  If you know my girls, you know socializing isn't an issue.  And it only takes about ten seconds to realize this.

          So I get that question up top.  Normally, I smile, and say, "I don't know how moms get their kids out the door on time for school."  In other words, I deflect.

          The truth is, I don't do it all.  I don't even try to do it all.  And quite honestly, I think it's time to stop asking each other that question.

          The implication is that, somehow, I am SUPPOSED to do it all.  But I'm not.  I can't.  I am one woman with three children who are where I am all day, every day.  Most days, that's home.  But they go with me to the store, the library, even some doctor visits.  To have blood drawn, even (and recently).

          The truth is, my house is most often a mess.  The "guest room" is unrecognizable at the moment, mostly because it has become storage.  My sewing room is a disaster, with boxes all over the floor, and projects covering the table.  I would give my left arm for someone to come in once a week, or even once every-other-week to clean for me.  I'm not a great housekeeper even when school is on break.

          I don't grow my own wheat, or my own cattle.  I am hopeless with plants.  My oldest now has a greenhouse.  I'm hoping as long as I stay clear, the plants will have a chance to survive.

          If I make my own bread, it is most likely done, at least partially, in a bread machine.  With store-bought, bleached flour.

          Snacks are fruit.  Whole.  Not arranged into pretty faces, or skeletons with cut up bell peppers.  And no dipping sauces, either.

          My clothes, and those of my husband and children, come from the store.  (With few exceptions.  I ADORE sewing, just don't have time for it.)

          I also don't work outside the home.  Getting my children out the door is a challenge, what with all the lost shoes and whatnot.

          Lunch is usually one of two options -- peanut butter sandwiches or vegetable soup.  Occasionally there's nachos, but not often.

          I do cook most evenings.  But there's always Costco pizza and Taco Bell on the Engineer's way home from work.  And I take advantage of that more often than I "should."

          I don't lapbook (I know, you've just revoked my homeschool mother card).  I don't scrapbook.  The pictures are almost exclusively on the computer still.

          I do, however, have three children with lively imaginations, who know how to talk to adults, how to be gentle with smaller children, and how to approach an unfamiliar dog.  The girls are inquisitive, boundlessly curious about everything in their world.  They know themselves and their strengths.  They are proud of their quirks, of who God has created them to be.

          I have a husband who is, without a doubt, doing the job he was created for.  And he's good at it.

          I know I am doing the right thing for my family and myself.  But I am not doing it all.  I can't.  I won't even try.  And I won't ask you "How do you do it all?"  Because chances are, you aren't.  You can't.  And you should probably stop trying to.

          Let's give each other some grace.  Grace to not look exactly like one another, grace to not be able to do it all.  Grace to not have it all together.  Grace to let our own personalities shine.

          Please, let's stop asking, "How do you do it all?"  It just isn't possible.  And the collective guilt is killing us.

Wednesday is the New Monday

I'm sure I've posted on this before, but it's my blog (and no one reads it, anyway), so I'm going to write about this again...

Around our house, Mondays and Tuesdays are usually pretty good.  Wednesday is the day that would qualify as "typical Monday."  And I dread Wednesday starting on Thursday Wednesday bedtime.

This has to change.  I don't know how, though.  I don't have a good answer in this case.  I know I have to change it, but I'm at a loss.

Today's been pretty typical for a Wednesday around here.  It started off with the Doctor and Fidget arguing over chair placement.  And it's pretty much been downhill since.

I'll have to think on this, come up with a plan before next Wednesday, because I've let it go on too long.  And it's pretty awful servanthood on my part.

So, there's my update for today.

When I am Forgotten... But Not Really

Today I heard good news from a friend about mutual acquaintance.  And I was happy for her.  And sad for myself.  And more than a little envious.

Oh, I don't want to take her blessing away.  I just want a similar blessing for myself.  Desperately.  I have prayed for YEARS for a miracle that would allow this blessing in my family's life.  I have cried, pleaded, begged for this same blessing from God for such a long time.

And still I wait.  So often, I feel forgotten.  So often, I feel as though there is no plan, no miracle for me.  I struggle.  I cry.  I sob and beg.  And still, nothing.  Silence.  No miracle, no promise, no hope of a miracle.

Sometimes, it's easy.  Sometimes, I can let life just go on as it is.  Sometimes, I get derailed by the wonderful blessings of others.  And it seems unfair.

Because God does not promise us health, or wealth, or happiness, or even our wants.  He promises that all will work together for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.  But that good may very well await in eternity, not now or here.

Sometimes, all I can cling to, all I can cry is an echo of the apostles, "To whom shall I go?  You have the words of eternal life."  Where else can I go?  I'll admit, if there truly was an easier way, I'm sure I'd at the very least be tempted to take it.  Some days, I so badly want to throw in the towel.

But I'm reminded that this isn't about me.  It's not about what's in it for me.

"Q: What is the chief end of man?
A: Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  (Westminster Shorter Catechism.)

That's what it's about.  Glorifying Him.  Sometimes -- OK, often -- I cannot see how He will be glorified in the circumstances, how His glory will shine through my situation.  I cannot see the good that He's working.  But then I look again -- it's my job to glorify Him through all of this.

Even when I feel forgotten.

Even when it seems unfair.

Even when what I long for, what I cry out about is a good thing, a blessing only He can provide.

Even when it seems that there is no plan.

Even when I cannot see the next step.

Even when I cry, beg, plead, and Heaven is silent.

I must -- I must -- glorify Him.  After all, He has the words of eternal life.  He's the only one who does.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b).

Sunday - Thursday (Days 5-9)

I'm obviously several days behind.

I'm trying.  I really am.

This morning, I was having a moment of self-pity.  It doesn't really matter why.  All that matters is I was.  Normally, I would let it go on for a while, let it ruin the rest of my day.

But this morning, I remembered the challenge.  I remembered what I was doing.  As a result, I handled what needed to be done, and my day has been much better than it would normally have been.

I can't say that my attitude improved immediately, but it did improve.  I am working, and I believe God is working in me.

I have not been great at asking my husband what I can do to make his life better.  Some days, I remember, but other days I do not.

I have been feeling conviction that I need to waste less time, to spend more time taking care of the things I need to take care of.  So, I am planning (for the rest of Lent, at least), to stay off the computer except when the girls are "down."  This happens twice -- once for quiet period after lunch, and then at night when they're in bed.  No one "needs" me during that time.  And I usually use quiet period as down time anyway each day.  I've become too dependent on the computer to fill up my days, and I have become lazy in housekeeping, parenting, and homeschooling.  This is not a good way to live.  It isn't being a good servant.  So, at least for Lent, I am minimizing my computer time in order to maximize my service.

It's been good for me to do this.  Kind of a "reset" on some of my bad habits.

Saturday (Day 4)

OK, today's the fourth day, and I'll admit it's difficult, this giving up myself.

Because it isn't just about the outside.  It's the heart.  It's the WHY of it.  I can't just DO the right thing.  I have to have the right HEART the whole time.  And it's hard enough to do the motions, to get them right.  Adding a whole layer of heart attitude is an amazingly difficult thing.  And I am failing miserably.

Only, now I am more aware of it.  Now I am truly TRYING to do better, do actually BE better.  Because emptying myself of myself is important, and heart-wrenching, and raises all kinds of "I don't wanna!"  Perversely, I want to hang on to my "right" to be irritated at times.  I know it's sin nature.

I'm beginning to understand why the Bible says that the unregenerate, the lost, are incapable of not sinning, of choosing not to sin.  The bar is not our actions, but our heart, our attitudes, the WHY of it all.  And we, on our own, are incapable of choosing well, of laying down our SELF and our rights.

The funny thing is that I have asked the Engineer what I can do "today" to make his life better or easier.  For the past three days, he hasn't had an answer.

Here's my big failing -- I know crumbs and such on the floor bothers him.  I know I should be sweeping, or vacuuming, or mopping (or some combination of the three) daily.  So I am going to work on that.  This week, I plan to sweep, vacuum, and/or mop each day.

I also plan to work on being more HERE with the girls.  I tend to be very focused on getting stuff done, on working, and I tend to be more quiet.  I love my girls dearly, I just don't always do a good job communicating that.  So I plan to work on that, too.

Four days in, and already a course correction.  Maybe one day, I'll have it all together.  But somehow, I doubt it.

Thursday and Friday (Days 2 and 3)

See, I'm already behind in my reporting!

Yesterday was not the best.  I did what I needed, but not with the best of heart attitudes.  Giving up myself for Lent is much easier said than done.  One of those, "it's a good idea in theory" but the reality is much harder.

So, I made tea.  Which so shouldn't be a "thing."  But sadly, it is.  It's a detail, and I don't do details well.  The Engineer likes tea.  (I guess, given where I live, I should say sweet iced tea.)  Given all his dietary issues, tea with real sugar is one of the few things he can drink other than water and milk.  It's also a source of calories.  Which is another thing that he struggles with, getting enough calories.  So I make tea.  Only I'm not very consistent.

Also, I took the girls to get something Elizabeth needed for a blood model for her science.  But this time, not because I was being a servant, but because I decided I could handle the trip to the store.  There was nothing serving about what I did.  And that's the heart of the problem -- how my heart and attitude are.  *sigh*

Then there's today.  Today, a good friend of mine took the Doctor and the Doctor's best friend (who is also my friend's son) out for the day.  Just the four of us.  Which was amazing, and fun and full of energy!  I love these two kiddos, and am so very glad that they are friends.  The Doctor is definitely a much happier girl because of knowing this boy.  He is a blessing to her, and really, to our whole family.

So, not much of a servant going on here.  It was so very enjoyable, and really, easy on me.  Only having one of the three, and having such a good friend with me was truly a blessing to my heart.

Both days started with reading my passage for Lent.  I still don't fully even understand this passage, even though I've read it and heard it preached on in my adult life.  I hope, by spending forty-some consecutive days looking at, reading, thinking on, and acting on, the same passage, maybe it will sink in.  Maybe it will make a real difference.  Maybe I can finally get out of the way enough for God to get through to me.

So, anyone reading this, pray for me.  Please.  Please pray that I will do what I need to do, that I will serve well this season.  Pray that I will truly be a servant of God.