Monday, March 31, 2014

My First Plan of Action

I have a confession to make -- I have not been eating breakfast with my children.  I mostly eat at the same time, just not at the same table.  I have been using that time to do other things.

It needs to stop.  I need to start their day with them.  Really be there.

I need to hear their giggles before our school day starts.  I need to look into their little-girl faces and see their eyes when they aren't trying to master something, but are relaxed.  I need to hear what they joke about, what they tell each other.  These years go by so fast.

I could give you a list of excuses -- that we homeschool, that I am with them (either at home, or out and about) all the time, that I don't believe that I am supposed to be their "friend."  But the truth is that those are just excuses.  Excuses for my selfishness.

So, that changes now.  Or, rather, it changed this morning.  I sat at the counter and ate breakfast between my younger two.  And they thanked me for eating with them.

And the day went better.

So, tomorrow I'll do the same.  And the next day, and so forth.  I will make the conscious choice to love them this way, to focus on them by eating with them in the morning.  Will I fall back from time to time?  Most likely.  After all, I am human, with all the frailties and pitfalls and imperfections that being human entails.

How it all Began

There I was, sitting in church, listening to the pastor.  We had been going through 1 Corinthians for a while, and we had reached chapter 16.  As he was reading through the passage, verse 14 jumped out and struck me right between the eyes.
"Let all that you do be done in love."  This one had my name all over it.  So simple.  So needed.  You see, I'm good at doing the right thing, just not for the right reason.  I'm full of pride, of selfishness, of conceit, of wanting things my way.  I want the pats on the back, for people to think well of me, but to be motivated by love?  For ALL that I do?  Seriously?  Simple, but certainly not easy.

So, why this blog?  That's easy -- accountability.  If no one ever reads this, that's fine.  Really, it's between me and God.  But, maybe there's ONE person out there who has the same struggles, who I can help somehow.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm the only one.  Maybe not.

I've wanted to blog for some time, on something other than my own children.  BUT, all the things I'm "good" at, well, I have nothing new to say.  It's been said, it's been done.  And by people who are much better at it than I am.  And I love their blogs.  And I learn so much from them.  Then, I thought about my favorite blog.  My check-for-new-content-every-day-to-see-what-she-says blog.  And you know what she writes about?  The thing she seems to consider herself WORST at.  Her content isn't posts of "look at this beautiful thing I made" or "see how well I'm teaching my kids!" or "27 easy steps to perfection -- just look at how perfect I am" but rather, they are a study in humility and humor.  And I love her blog.

So, I'm taking a page out of her book.  Starting today.  I'm beginning the process of pursuing love -- not for myself, but for those around me.  I don't know what my posts will be about, probably a random assortment of things, kind of mirroring my life.  If I'm to do ALL things in love, then I guess I'll touch on ALL things at some point in time or another.

For now, that's it.  If anyone reads this, I hope it makes sense!