Saturday (Day 4)

OK, today's the fourth day, and I'll admit it's difficult, this giving up myself.

Because it isn't just about the outside.  It's the heart.  It's the WHY of it.  I can't just DO the right thing.  I have to have the right HEART the whole time.  And it's hard enough to do the motions, to get them right.  Adding a whole layer of heart attitude is an amazingly difficult thing.  And I am failing miserably.

Only, now I am more aware of it.  Now I am truly TRYING to do better, do actually BE better.  Because emptying myself of myself is important, and heart-wrenching, and raises all kinds of "I don't wanna!"  Perversely, I want to hang on to my "right" to be irritated at times.  I know it's sin nature.

I'm beginning to understand why the Bible says that the unregenerate, the lost, are incapable of not sinning, of choosing not to sin.  The bar is not our actions, but our heart, our attitudes, the WHY of it all.  And we, on our own, are incapable of choosing well, of laying down our SELF and our rights.

The funny thing is that I have asked the Engineer what I can do "today" to make his life better or easier.  For the past three days, he hasn't had an answer.

Here's my big failing -- I know crumbs and such on the floor bothers him.  I know I should be sweeping, or vacuuming, or mopping (or some combination of the three) daily.  So I am going to work on that.  This week, I plan to sweep, vacuum, and/or mop each day.

I also plan to work on being more HERE with the girls.  I tend to be very focused on getting stuff done, on working, and I tend to be more quiet.  I love my girls dearly, I just don't always do a good job communicating that.  So I plan to work on that, too.

Four days in, and already a course correction.  Maybe one day, I'll have it all together.  But somehow, I doubt it.