Thursday and Friday (Days 2 and 3)

See, I'm already behind in my reporting!

Yesterday was not the best.  I did what I needed, but not with the best of heart attitudes.  Giving up myself for Lent is much easier said than done.  One of those, "it's a good idea in theory" but the reality is much harder.

So, I made tea.  Which so shouldn't be a "thing."  But sadly, it is.  It's a detail, and I don't do details well.  The Engineer likes tea.  (I guess, given where I live, I should say sweet iced tea.)  Given all his dietary issues, tea with real sugar is one of the few things he can drink other than water and milk.  It's also a source of calories.  Which is another thing that he struggles with, getting enough calories.  So I make tea.  Only I'm not very consistent.

Also, I took the girls to get something Elizabeth needed for a blood model for her science.  But this time, not because I was being a servant, but because I decided I could handle the trip to the store.  There was nothing serving about what I did.  And that's the heart of the problem -- how my heart and attitude are.  *sigh*

Then there's today.  Today, a good friend of mine took the Doctor and the Doctor's best friend (who is also my friend's son) out for the day.  Just the four of us.  Which was amazing, and fun and full of energy!  I love these two kiddos, and am so very glad that they are friends.  The Doctor is definitely a much happier girl because of knowing this boy.  He is a blessing to her, and really, to our whole family.

So, not much of a servant going on here.  It was so very enjoyable, and really, easy on me.  Only having one of the three, and having such a good friend with me was truly a blessing to my heart.

Both days started with reading my passage for Lent.  I still don't fully even understand this passage, even though I've read it and heard it preached on in my adult life.  I hope, by spending forty-some consecutive days looking at, reading, thinking on, and acting on, the same passage, maybe it will sink in.  Maybe it will make a real difference.  Maybe I can finally get out of the way enough for God to get through to me.

So, anyone reading this, pray for me.  Please.  Please pray that I will do what I need to do, that I will serve well this season.  Pray that I will truly be a servant of God.

Ash Wednesday (Day 1)

So, today marks the first day of Lent.

The passage I am focusing on for this time is Philippians 2:1-11.  I had been focusing on Philippians, and then Sunday one of the elders preached from Philippians 2.  The sermon fit with most of what I had been mulling over, and it just all seemed to fit.

So, what idol am I giving up for Lent?  Basically, the idol of "me."  I am going to strive to serve this season.  To serve with excellence.

First of all, I am planning to ask the Engineer what I can do each day to make his day/life better.  Then do it.

Second, I plan to refocus on the girls.  Mostly in relation to school.  I am making some changes in how I do school with the girls, changing science around to make it more accessible to the Cowgirl, while letting the Doctor continue on with her interests.  I already started the older two on Khan Academy for math, and I must say that so far, we love it.  Two weeks in, and the Doctor has done 60% of her grade level; the Cowgirl has done 40%.

Service must begin at home, so this is where I will start.  I will pray for chances to serve, and then do what is in front of me.  One day, one moment, at a time.

So, how did today go?  Well, honestly not too well.  I did spend time in Bible reading and prayer, and did some serving the Engineer.  I forgot to ask my question.  And then forgot to get supper into the crock-pot, so I asked him to bring home supper.  I was short with the girls, and rather distracted today.  Overall, I was not a good servant.

Fortunately, tomorrow is another day, and God's mercies are new every morning.

That is all for now.  I plan to write again tomorrow.

Idols in my Life, and Lent

When I was little, I thought about idols as those gold, bronze, or wooden statues that frequently tripped up the Israelites.  Naturally, I was confused to find New Testament injunctions against Christians worshiping idols.

As a teenager, my understanding was a bit broader.  Mostly, money was emphasized.  Lots of "you can't serve two masters," and the oft-misquoted "money is the root of all evil."  (The actual quote begins "the LOVE of money...")  And not much else.

Here's the truth, though.  Anything can be an idol.  Anything.  Growing up mostly in the church, I am pretty good at "doing the right thing" at least outwardly.  And of course I know all about not touching "evil" things.

But God wants more than outward compliance.  He wants a changed heart.  He doesn't want us to simply check off the "right" things.  He wants joyful obedience from love and thankfulness.  Kinda raises the bar, huh?

What does this have to do with idols?  Well, it's easy to make doing the "right" thing, having the right appearance, the right schedule, not doing evil (even fleeing from it) the focus.  And that becomes an idol.

I'm in a small book study group, and we're going through a book entitled Peacemaking Women by Tara Klena Barthel and Judy Dabler.  One of the chapters is on idols.

I had always thought I was OK on this front.  Boy, was I wrong.  The authors urged us to go through a series of questions to determine what had taken God's place in my life.  Two of the questions really hit me hard, convicted me, really.  "I would be happy if only ________________________" and "Don't ask me to give up _______________________."

Two big things came immediately to mind, and more and more have come up as I have thought these things through.  Basically, anything that my happiness hinges on, anything I would not be willing to give up, anything that gets in my way of joyful, thankful obedience is an idol.  Ouch.

So, I have a challenge.  What if, during Lent, instead of giving up something meaningless (like meat of Fridays), we gave up an idol?

How?  Well, whatever the idol, when we find ourselves focusing, obsessing, working on that idol, what if we stopped, prayed instead.  What if, for that period of time, we stopped actively seeking our idols and sought God instead.

What does this look like?  It would be different for each of us.  I am praying about what to do.  I think I have an idea for me, and I may share it tomorrow or Wednesday.  Lent begins on Wednesday, so I have a short time to make a rather large decision.

A few quick examples:
If your idol is "the perfect body," give up exercise for those few weeks.  Spend that time in prayer.  Put your scales away.  When anxiety creeps in, PRAY.  Make God your focus, not your body.

If dieting is your idol, stop for Lent.  Just lent.  You can readjust your eating afterwards.  Spend that time in prayer instead of hyper-focused on every bite of food you eat, focus on God.

If another baby (or a first baby) is your idol, give it over to God.  Stop trying so hard for just a few weeks.  Every time you find yourself obsessing over nurseries on Pinterest, stop, pray instead.  Maybe stay off Pinterest for Lent.

All of those things are "good" things -- taking care of your body, eating right, and having children.  They're all good, right things.  Here's the problem I have found.  As church women, we often find ourselves turning "good" things into "acceptable idols."  Because the appearance is good, then it must be fine, right?  But the problem is -- anything can be an idol.  Homeschooling, modesty, submission, being gentle and quiet.  Anything that we focus on rather than God.

Why not give up one big idol for Lent?  You may find you don't need it after all.  I have found freedom as I have released two biggies to God in the last couple of months.  Do I still find myself thinking about these things, do I still pray that God would allow them to happen?  Yes.  But they are no longer obsessions.  They no longer have the power over my thinking.  I no longer wonder if God loves me because He hasn't allowed ________________ and ____________________ happen.

In the upcoming days, I will be sharing my plan.  But I must be careful not to turn this "turning away from an idol" into an idol itself.  If I do this, it will only be by the power of God in me.  It will only be by the Holy Spirit working that I will be successful in turning away from an idol, not making a new one of this project, and truly worshiping God.

Will you join me?  If you're reading this, will you join me?  The Lent season is only a few weeks long.  Will you trust God to show you your idol and to work in you to change that?

I plan to post daily during this time (at least Monday through Friday).  I may fail, but I hope that even if my record isn't perfect, that there will be lifelong changes, lifelong lessons to learn during this time.

10,000 Hours

I've been hearing and reading an interesting tidbit of information.  Apparently, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become world-class at something, anything.

That got me to thinking... 10,000 hours...  at 10 hours per day, that's about two and three-quarter years.  At the other extreme, one hour a day, a bit under twenty-seven and a half.

I guess here's the thing.  I'm going to be doing something for those 10,000 hours, right?  What will be my world-class skill?  Rocking-chair jockey?  Homeschool mom?  Wife?  Loving individual?  Servant?

I would imagine that 10,000 hours needs to be deliberate, a choice.  One that includes learning new skills, acquiring a deepening knowledge and understanding of the skill at hand.

I guess it's mostly a wake-up call.  Assuming no ill health, and no insomnia, I'll have been awake for 10,000 hours by (roughly) 1 November 2016.

What will I do with those 10,000 waking hours?  What goals, dreams, skills will I work on?  Where -- and who -- will I be 10,000 waking hours from now?

OK, enough philosophizing for now.  But it is an interesting thought to ponder, isn't it?

Encouragement

Dear Fellow Moms --
I see you in Target, in Wal-Mart, at the library, in the grocery store.  I see your online comments and blog posts.  You have a small family, a big family.  You breastfed, bottle-fed, or some combination.  You vaccinate, or don't.  You work outside the home, or are a full-time homemaker.  You homeschool, public school, private school your kids.

Your decisions are different than mine, but made for the same reason -- you are doing what you believe best for your family and children.  You are struggling with your choices, worrying that you are going to permanently ruin these amazing short people that God has entrusted to you for a time.

You sometimes cry yourself to sleep at night, worrying that one of the loud critical voices in the mommy wars will be correct, and you will wake up one morning and your children will hate you.

You are tired, tired of having the same conversation every single day.  Listening to the same fighting at the breakfast table.  Of teaching the same lesson for what seems to be the 437th time this school year.

Mostly, though, you are tired of having to defend yourself against attacks that come from people who do not know what went into the decisions your made, the research, prayers, tears, and finally surrender.  The faith that you cling to that God is ultimately in control, and that your decisions will honor Him for that reason.

I see you.  My decisions may be different than yours.  The particulars of my life are certainly different than yours.  But here's the bottom line -- God gave you those children to rear.  Not me.  Not your neighbor, not your cousin, not the friend-of-a-friend on Facebook who decided to "correct your thinking" on some decision or other of yours.  Despite the fact that she's never even met you.

I see you, and more important, God sees you.  He sees the struggle you have daily to serve this beautiful family, to be a servant as He has called you.  He sees your heart for them, which stems from your heart for Him.  And it is to Him you will ultimately answer, not to anyone else.

So, let's make a pact, you and I.  You go on living for your audience of One, and I will do the same, and I will encourage you along the way as best I can.  Maybe a smile.  Maybe picking up that pacifier that your little one dropped for the 963,082 time this shopping trip.  Maybe by educating my children about the differences of other children.  Maybe by crying in my car as my heart breaks for you in your struggles.  And you do the same.  I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, assume that you truly do have your children's best interest at heart, that you are truly competent to raise these small ones entrusted to your care by their Creator.  And you do the same for me.

Let's see each other -- truly see each other, and look past the superficial differences and to the heart of each other.  Let's stop the mommy wars, as much as we are able.  Let's be at peace with each other, in so far as it is up to us.  I'll trust you, encourage you, and cry for you at times, and you do the same for me, OK?

Let's fight this good fight together, teach our children to see people, not issues.  After all, if God had wanted sameness, He could easily have made us that way.  It seems to me that He likes the nuance, the beauty of the differences in His children.

Leadership Matters

Don't know why this is weighing on me, but it is...

Growing up, I received some pretty theologically awful answers to the hard questions I was prone to ask.  It seemed like any doubting was to be squelched, and tough questions were to be ignored or given pat answers.  Sometimes dangerous pat answers.

Take for instance my (terrifying) question, "What is the unpardonable sin?"  This was a question I asked during my teen years, and was given the answer, "Sinning away the day of grace."  WRONG.  Jesus clearly said that blaspheming the Holy Spirit is the one sin that will not be forgiven.  Anyone with a fairly mediocre reading comprehension can figure that out.  I wanted to know what He meant, but further questioning was highly discouraged, and I spent YEARS terrified that I would commit the unpardonable sin unknowingly, unintentionally.

Or take another situation that faces many people in our churches today -- depression and loneliness.  I'm not talking about cabin fever, or the "let down" feeling that some feel around the holidays each year.  I mean real, dark, clawing loneliness and/or depression that many in our churches struggle with daily.  Growing up, it was made abundantly clear that "real Christians" do not feel abandoned or deep loneliness or depression.  WRONG.  It's sort of the emotional equivalent of telling someone that "real Christians" don't get cancer, or Alzheimer's, or MS, or any myriad other debilitating illnesses.  Christians have the SAME struggles as everyone else.  We are still part of this fallen world.  Joyfully, Christians will NOT feel these things once we've received our new bodies in Heaven, BUT we are not there yet. 

And this is why leadership matters.  Humble leaders will admit they do not have all the answers, but will not grow angry at the questions.  Godly leaders will always root their answers in the Bible, not in a more comfortable tradition of man.  True leaders will be searching the Scriptures, submitting to the correction of the Holy Spirit where they have been wrong, or incorrect in their understanding.

Finding these leaders is not easy.  Often those who encourage questions do not then stand on Scripture.  They do not give Biblically sound answers, and many times their answer will depend entirely on the situation.  Others will root themselves in biblically sounding answers and catch-phrases and angrily reply to earnest questions.  Sadly, both of these types gain a large following.  And lead many astray.

Being this kind of leader isn't easy, either.  Encouraging those under our leadership to question, while admitting we do not have all the answers is humbling.  It's so much easier to give a quick answer, or to grow angry with deeper questioning.

But here is what I remember about growing up in a situation where questions and uncomfortable emotions were met with anger, it teaches that God is not big.  That vision of God is too small.  He created us, He knows us far better than we know ourselves.  He is fully big enough to handle our questions, to guide us into a bigger, better understanding of Himself and His purposes, and plans.

I still struggle with doubts about many things.  Some (not all!) of those doubts and fears probably stem from the theologically unsound answers I received from leaders growing up.  Some of my struggles could have been lessened with answers truly rooted in the Bible.

This is one of the reasons I encourage my girls to ask questions, one of the reasons I encourage them to seek out our pastor to answer questions.  They sit with us during church services, and many times the Doctor or the Cowgirl will have a question about either the passage specifically or about the sermon.  I am many times amazed at their questions, given their relatively young ages.  The Doctor especially asks deep questions.  The Cowgirl often wants to know the traditions, or culture behind the passage.  They are quick to notice inconsistency in either content or application.

Basically, leadership matters.  Their view of God will color your view of God, either to strengthen your faith, or to put stumbling blocks that lead to doubt.  And your view of God will color someone else's.  Be careful whom you follow, and be careful where you lead.

The Unworthy (Terrible) Servant

I have been struggling for a while.  For a long time (years, maybe), I begged God to allow me to see myself as He sees me.

In my mind, I had visions of being assured of being His beloved child, of Him showing me how much He cares.

Instead, the passage that leapt out at me one morning was Luke 17:7-10.  Yeah.  Not what I wanted to hear.  Not a passage I can recall ever hearing a sermon on, in fact.  "Unworthy servant?!"

I cried.  Several times over the next several days.  Each time my attitude about something stunk, I would pray, "I am an unworthy servant."

See, I am a terrible servant.  I don't WANT to serve.  I want to be left alone, to be allowed to do my thing, or sometimes, for others to serve me.  I want to help those whom I choose, when I choose.  And my heart rebels at the thought of being God's servant.  And admitting my unworthiness.

I've been struggling again more recently.  Rebellion against the whole servant thing again.  It happens a lot with me.  Some people seem to naturally serve.  Not me.

The verse that keeps coming to mind? Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Mostly, the "do not grow weary" part keeps reverberating in my head.  But I am weary.

So what to do?  I pray.  I am learning to pray differently.  To focus on how much I have been forgiven, on what I am to do, not on the shortcomings of others.  I am learning to ask that God change ME, my heart. my attitudes, and actions.

I am just beginning to see that I need to be doing things in service to God.  In the story in Luke, I believe that God is the Master.  It's Him I am serving, not people.  Yes, the people around me may benefit from that service, but the service must be rendered to God, because He commands it, not because they need it, or I can do it, or it's convenient to my schedule.  So, I guess it's time for changes.  Changes that do not come easily to me.

Left to myself, I would not serve.  My very being rebels at the thought.  But I am a new creation in Christ, so serve I must.  Starting with those closest to me.  The ones who know me best, and the ones that I most expect to serve me. 

Good night, and God bless.