The Unworthy (Terrible) Servant

I have been struggling for a while.  For a long time (years, maybe), I begged God to allow me to see myself as He sees me.

In my mind, I had visions of being assured of being His beloved child, of Him showing me how much He cares.

Instead, the passage that leapt out at me one morning was Luke 17:7-10.  Yeah.  Not what I wanted to hear.  Not a passage I can recall ever hearing a sermon on, in fact.  "Unworthy servant?!"

I cried.  Several times over the next several days.  Each time my attitude about something stunk, I would pray, "I am an unworthy servant."

See, I am a terrible servant.  I don't WANT to serve.  I want to be left alone, to be allowed to do my thing, or sometimes, for others to serve me.  I want to help those whom I choose, when I choose.  And my heart rebels at the thought of being God's servant.  And admitting my unworthiness.

I've been struggling again more recently.  Rebellion against the whole servant thing again.  It happens a lot with me.  Some people seem to naturally serve.  Not me.

The verse that keeps coming to mind? Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Mostly, the "do not grow weary" part keeps reverberating in my head.  But I am weary.

So what to do?  I pray.  I am learning to pray differently.  To focus on how much I have been forgiven, on what I am to do, not on the shortcomings of others.  I am learning to ask that God change ME, my heart. my attitudes, and actions.

I am just beginning to see that I need to be doing things in service to God.  In the story in Luke, I believe that God is the Master.  It's Him I am serving, not people.  Yes, the people around me may benefit from that service, but the service must be rendered to God, because He commands it, not because they need it, or I can do it, or it's convenient to my schedule.  So, I guess it's time for changes.  Changes that do not come easily to me.

Left to myself, I would not serve.  My very being rebels at the thought.  But I am a new creation in Christ, so serve I must.  Starting with those closest to me.  The ones who know me best, and the ones that I most expect to serve me. 

Good night, and God bless.

Things I Love: the Engineer's Job

My list of 30 things I love is really an exercise in gratitude.  I tend to see the "downside" of everything.  I tend to focus on what's wrong, what I would change, what "makes" me unhappy.  I decided this month to focus on the things that, instead, are the lovely things in my life, the things I am happy are here, the things (and people) I love.

Today, I love my husband's job.  First, I am grateful he has a job.  That's one of those things that really, truly, should not be taken for granted.  Especially right now.  I am also loving the fact that his job (along with lifestyle choices we've made) enables me to be home.  Sure, if I worked, we'd be able to do more, buy more, give more, etc., but we believe my being home is truly the best thing for the family.

I also love how the Engineer's company views family time.  Generally speaking, once he's off, he's off.  Phone calls (a rare occurrence) nearly always begin with, "I'm sorry to bother him and you on his day off, but is the Engineer home?"  It's a lovely thing, that acknowledgement.  In a sentence, it's an admission that they do not own him, that he is a whole person, not simply an employee; that they pay him for the time he's there, not all 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week.  (Yes, there are quite a few companies that do not know the difference!)

So, how do I love with this in mind?  Well, I try not to bother the Engineer while he's at work.  Generally, I keep phone calls to less than 5 minutes total per work week.  Also, I do not gripe at him when he works late.  He's a man of integrity, one driven to complete his job well and thoroughly.  He's also a man who loves his family.  He knows the needs of both, and I trust him to make wise decisions.

Things I Love: the Engineer

        I love my husband.  Today being Father's Day, I know it's cliché to say it, but I do.  He's incredibly talented at so many things.  He's conscientious, intelligent, and has a high degree of integrity.
        He excels at more things than any one human being has a right to.  I am blessed to be his wife, and our children are blessed to be his daughters.
        I'm not entirely sure how to sum up one person in a post like this, so I won't even try.  Just suffice it to say that the Engineer is a man among men.