Letting Them be Who They Are, Part 1

I have three children whom I love dearly.  Three girls who are VERY different from me, and from each other.  Each has wonderful strengths, and frustrating weaknesses.  (Much like all the rest of us.)  I am, by turns, amazed and astounded by both their qualities and their struggles.

In this world, and sadly often in the church, the pressure is there to be "perfect."  We have bought into the myth that in order to create perfect humans, all we have to do is be perfect parents.  Of course, no one really agrees on what this means -- some say strict discipline, children should never speak unless spoken to in public (yes, there are those who seem to truly believe this, though they may not say it out loud, their actions certainly do!); the other end of this are the ones who say that no discipline is the way, let's not step on their fragile egos, build their self-esteem at all costs.  This is the most popular method of the day, and I think we've all seen the entitlement that is the result.  Of course, these are the extremes and there is everything imaginable in between!
 
But I digress.  The measure of perfection, none too surprisingly, varies depending on which adult is doing the "beholding."  This may mostly be a "mom" issue, but I don't really think so.

Again, not my point.  But I'm getting there.  If I'm not careful, I become unsure, unfocused on my mission.  What is my mission (well, one of them, anyway) -- to raise my daughters "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4), to "train them in the way they should go" (Proverbs 22:6).  Neither of those verses say anything about training them up to look good to the neighbors.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if I do a "good" job, they will fall under persecution, possibly by the same people who are fighting so hard to raise those "perfect" children.

I have heard many sermons about that Proverbs verse, and the common consensus of men much smarter than I seems to be that the translation would be more properly rendered "train up a child according to his bent."  When I first heard this, it was like a kick to the gut.  Seriously.  Growing up, this verse was used viciously as a weapon against parents whose children had "strayed from the faith."  Obviously, if the parents had TRAINED their children, they wouldn't have STRAYED, RIGHT?!  But what I heard as an adult was much deeper and richer than what I had overheard as a child.

See, God has created each of us with unique strengths and weaknesses, and each of His children has a unique calling and gifting.  We are not interchangeable parts, but unique creations, made by a loving Creator, loving placed at our time and place in history and space for His purposes.  Not our own.

This applies to our children as well.  I have not created my children, but rather given their childhoods as a stewardship.  I am not to re-create them in MY image, but to point them to their Creator, to help them see Him, and in looking at Him, help them see themselves as He does, with a place and a calling.

Throughout history, God has chosen to use fallen people, hopelessly, fatally flawed apart from Him.  And to redeem them, and use them.  He could have chosen to wipe us out with Adam and Eve and start over.  Or just not tell Noah what He was going to do, then start over at that point.  He could even have created a whole NEW planet, called it "Earth II," and left us to our own devices.  But He didn't.  He chose, and continues to choose, to use us -- imperfect, floundering, weak, and struggling.

So, instead of trying to make my children over into someone's idea of perfection, whether that be mine, yours, or someone else's, I'm going to be faithful to point them to Him, to what He's done.  And I will help them, as best I can, turn over their struggles and weaknesses over to Him.

And I will ask for grace.  From you, if you know me and my children.  Because they will not be perfect, and I will not be parenting according to your choices.  And I will give you grace, because your children will not be perfect, no matter what you do, and you will not be parenting according to my choices.

I will allow my children to be who they have been created to be.  God has made them.  It is not my job to turn them into cookie cutter "people".  It's a journey.  I will fail.  So will they.  We will repent, God will forgive us, pick us up, and dust us off, and He will instruct us.  And it will all happen again (hopefully the failures will be different!).  And again, until He calls us home, one way or the other.