The Homeschooling Introvert

When the girls were all small, I would read things, or hear other moms talk, about their longing for adult conversation.  All I longed for was NO conversation.  I didn't need to spend time talking to others.  I needed -- I craved -- quiet.  All that noise, all those needs, all those things that come with having small children at home.  It wore me out.

And then we decided to homeschool.  I'll admit -- I was the one who brought it up.  I felt like it was probably the best thing for our family.  But it still didn't change my need for quiet.  It didn't still all the noise, the needs, the constant talking.

As we have continued on this journey, the girls have gotten older, more self-sufficient in their daily needs.  And the pressure is less.

I am still an introvert.  I still choose to homeschool.  Now I am finding the joy in that journey.

Homeschooling as an introverted mom is not always easy.  It is a lot of work, as is any worthwhile task.  But it is getting easier.  The conversations are less "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I need ______________ (some physical need)" and more "Mama, I've been struggling with ________________ (some spiritual matter)."  There's less jump and run to prevent catastrophe, and more discussions of why something is/was a bad idea, and what consequences would follow.

I wish someone had told me that introverted parenting and homeschooling wouldn't always be the draining experience of the early days.  I wish someone would have told me that someday, I would genuinely enjoy my children.  That the things that truly drained me most would be outgrown.

Now, all three are at camp this week.  Sleeping away from home.  Fidget for the first time.  I am enjoying the quiet, the alone-ness that comes with having no one else at home during the day.  But it's not the desperate "where is all my alone time going?!" feeling that it would have been before.  I look forward to having them home, to picking them up and hearing all about their new friends, and the time in the pool, and the good food they ate, and all the silly songs they will be singing for months after this week ends.

In part, I am learning that it is OK to be an introvert, that it does not make me a bad parent.  That need for quiet is just a part of who I am created to be.  What would make me a bad parent is letting it rule everything, demanding always to get what makes me comfortable.  Learning to balance what I truly need with what the children truly need is a constant job.  One I hope to get right one day.

Life Isn't Fair, Praise God!

The Cowgirl and I were driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store.  She had spent her own "commission" money and bought treats for herself and her sisters.  As she was trying to figure out how she would divvy up said treats, she asked, "Mama, is this fair?" and then proceeded to explain what each girl would get.
I paused a moment, before explaining to her that "fair" would mean she kept all the treats for herself.  After all, she had earned that money doing chores.  That the word for her behavior was "generous."  I then explained that the Bible says that God loves a cheerful giver, because God Himself is a giver.
Then it hit me...
"Fair" would mean God keeps all the good for Himself.  He earned it, He created it, He gets to keep it!  It would mean Hell for me.  It would mean an immediate cessation of life, an immediate descent into an eternity separated from God.  If God were truly being "fair," life would be a bleak (and short!) trek.
"Generous" is anything other than that.  Even if it isn't what I want.  Even if it isn't as much as someone else has.  Even if it's "bad" by my perception.  God alone deserves all the praise, all the good, all the LIFE.  He alone deserves glory, and peace, and love.  Yet He generously, graciously, cheerfully gives to us, shares with us.  He allows us to live.  He allows us to love.  And most amazingly, He gives us the opportunity to have a relationship with Him, here and in eternity!
This realization seriously changed how I look at many things.  I'm not always mindful of this fact.  I still grumble and complain.  But I am remembering, more and more.  I am becoming more thankful, even as I work through serious disappointments, hurts, and heartaches.

Every time I hear someone complain about unfairness, I hear the elderly ladies of my childhood say. "Life's not fair."  And I think -- PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!

In Search of a Savior

I have recently taken some time away from Facebook.  It didn't really start out as an intentional thing.  I more stumbled into a break, deliberately avoiding FB one day at a time.  Each day, I chose to avoid FB, only checking in occasionally, with no real thought as to this being a real break.

Then I got back on for quite a stretch yesterday, and I was left feeling -- empty.  Like a vacuum.  As I thought about why, I came to a realization about current events...

Our country is searching for a savior.

We're in a highly contested election cycle.  With four actual contenders (two on each "side").  And almost everyone has "picked their pony," so to speak.  Only this time, it seems much more personal. 

Our country is in trouble on many fronts.  The answers as to why, and the "solutions" for fixing this are varied.

I believe, deep down, that we are searching for a savior.  We want someone to come in to fix all the broken things, to right all the wrongs, and to set us on a path to peace and prosperity.  In picking our candidate, many have identified with that person as a "savior."  It's no wonder then that so many get so angry when someone else disagrees with their choice.

Here's the problem -- there is only One qualified to be Savior.  Only One who can right the wrongs, fix the broken, and set us on a path to true peace and true prosperity (as opposed to the temporary, false "peace and prosperity" offered here on earth, often by practitioners of a false gospel).

Sadly, the ones I see most often getting irrationally angry over the perceived slights to their "savior" are those who claim the name of Christ.  The church should be the voice of reason in all of this.  We ought to be able to point people to the One True Savior.

But we can only do this by laying down our idol -- our own false "savior" and praying conscientiously that God's will be done in this election cycle.  Repenting of our own worship of one candidate, one party, or even one system of government.

I can say this because I can fall into this all too easily.  I found myself eight years ago worrying over the election, worrying over who might be our next president.  Now, I wasn't convinced that ANY of our choices was a savior in the wings, but rather that the WRONG choice would be the ruin of our country.  And I "worried" to God.  (I can't say I prayed.  I really just used God as a sounding board for all my worries.)  And He brought to mind this verse -- "Some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." Psalm 20:7 (NIV)  I feel safe to say that we can add "government" to that without stretching the meaning.

So I pray that God's will be done, and that He show us mercy as a nation.  Because we have turned our back on Him.  And I will trust that God's will WILL be done.  But know this -- God's will is often very hard, very difficult, and does not look at all like what we "want" in our fallenness.  Because God's will is bigger -- our salvation, not our comfort; our holiness, not our happiness.  God desires us to desire Him, and if things are too good in the here and now, we often don't want Him at all, don't see our need for Him.

I would urge you to ponder this -- how would "YOUR" candidate answer this question -- "How will you be our savior?!  What is your plan to save us?!"  If you are not fairly confident that (s)he would say "I am unqualified to save you, there is only ONE who is qualified for that job," then you may need to rethink your choice.

And if you find you simply cannot lay this idol down, then maybe consider sitting this election out. I would argue that it's more important that you search God and trust HIM than that you "do your civic duty" and vote.

If you're looking for a Savior, then please, PLEASE find a Bible and read the book of John.  Or find a Christian, one you see living out a life of service, and ask them to explain it to you.  But don't look to mere humans.  We will let you down every time.

Why Autism Friendship is a Thing of Beauty

        There is beauty in friendships.  Friendships of all kinds, but there is a unique beauty in friendships with people on the Autism Spectrum.  The Doctor's best friend has Autism.  (For this post, I'll call him "the Friend," for his and his family's privacy.)

        Now, there are a few things you should know about my family and me before I go any further:

        1.  None of my children are on the spectrum.  They are all

        neuro-typical.  This is not a point of pride, just a statement of

        fact.

        2.  I am not advocating for people with Autism.  I am woefully

        unqualified to do this.  Plus, I find it awkward when people try

        to advocate for "other" groups.  At best it comes across as

        patronizing, at worst, it comes across as offensive.  (You know,

        the "Be kind to the poor [fill in this blank with a random group]

        people.  You might be the only friend they have!"  Makes me

        want to hurt someone.)

        3.  I am also not advocating for parents of children with Autism. 

        They are the best advocates I know, and no one has asked me

        to advocate for them.  It, quite honestly, is not my place.

        4.  I AM advocating for my own children.  After all, they're the

        children I love best in the world, and the ones that I advocate

        for most naturally!

        With all that in mind, I want to give you the reasons that I am so thankful that the Doctor has a dear friend with Autism:

1.     Acceptance.  What could be better than someone who accepts you for who you are, without manipulating you into feeling like you need to change to be loved?  Well, that's what the Doctor has found in the Friend.  He has NOT ONCE ever made her feel like she's "less worthy" of his friendship.  He has never manipulated her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

2.     Another mom loves my child.  Along with #1, the Friend's mom LOVES my child.  (Well, all three of my children.)  She is in "the Doctor's corner" so to speak.  Take a moment to let it sink in how HUGE that is.  It's hard to find that within families, let alone friends.

3.     Total family acceptance.  The Friend not only cares for the Doctor.  He has accepted all three girls totally.  Fidget is often the recipient of his care.  I'll give you a quick story to summarize what this looks like.  The Friend's mom and I took all our kids to a movie one time.  Fidget got upset about half-way through, and the Friend loaned her his brand-new stuffed animal to comfort her.  He didn't make a big deal out of it, he just saw her crying and did what he could to make it better.

4.     Understanding and empathy.  This is another "story" one, because the Friend's actions explain it best.  One Sunday after church, the Doctor was upset because her paper tore.  So, he hunted down a new piece of paper for her.  No fuss, no big deal made, just saw a hurting friend and did what he could to fix it.

5.     He lends her his "brave."  The Doctor had always been cautious, often to the point of fearful.  (She is the oldest after all!)  She wants to know it's all "safe."  But the Friend isn't concerned as much about "safety."  (Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism often go hand-in-hand, and the Friend is no exception.)  He is very physical, and while he has NOT ONE TIME ever made the Doctor feel like a scaredy cat for not following, he has encouraged her to test her limits.  As a result, she is far more confident in her own skin, and in the world around her.  He has helped her overcome her fear simply by taking her along if she's willing, but being perfectly content to do things alone if she isn't.  How many friendships can make that claim?  Encouragement without manipulation.  It's a beautiful thing.

6.     This one is completely selfish -- drama-free friendship for me.  The Friend's mom and I have become close.  I don't have to feel bad when last-minute plans fall through, because she has learned an amazing amount of flexibility.  We rarely make "hard and fast" plans, because we have ten kids between us!  But if I need something, she's the first on my call list.  She can keep a confidence like no one else.  And she loves my kids.  If something comes up, she's not going to be "sharing" with 354 of her best friends on FB.  If I have to cancel, I can be honest, and disappointed, without worry that she'll think I don't care about my kids, or her, or whatever else.  She understands.  What a gift!

7.     The beauty of "messy life" lived honestly together.  Life in this fallen world is messy.  Always.  All too often, our "friendships" are based only on the best, most polished bits of us.  This breaks down quickly with a "special needs" family.  The beauty of this for me is this -- I don't feel like I need to keep up the "spit-shined" image, either.  When I am tired, or weepy, or struggling, I have a true friend who will listen, and pray for me.  And still keep caring.

        OK, I think this is long enough.  But I think it's time that NT parents advocate for our OWN children by fostering friendships with children on the spectrum.  Not because our children "can learn a lot" from the "patience" needed, nor because "those children NEED our children to befriend them."  (Seriously, I've seen that attitude several times, and it makes me SICK!)  Rather because, these friendships are an absolute gift, a treasure, rare and beautiful for the NT kids.  And their mamas.

Doing it all

          "How do you do it all?!"

           I hear this question most of the time when I tell someone I homeschool.  Rarely do I hear the "socialization" question, and NEVER when my girls are with me.  If you know my girls, you know socializing isn't an issue.  And it only takes about ten seconds to realize this.

          So I get that question up top.  Normally, I smile, and say, "I don't know how moms get their kids out the door on time for school."  In other words, I deflect.

          The truth is, I don't do it all.  I don't even try to do it all.  And quite honestly, I think it's time to stop asking each other that question.

          The implication is that, somehow, I am SUPPOSED to do it all.  But I'm not.  I can't.  I am one woman with three children who are where I am all day, every day.  Most days, that's home.  But they go with me to the store, the library, even some doctor visits.  To have blood drawn, even (and recently).

          The truth is, my house is most often a mess.  The "guest room" is unrecognizable at the moment, mostly because it has become storage.  My sewing room is a disaster, with boxes all over the floor, and projects covering the table.  I would give my left arm for someone to come in once a week, or even once every-other-week to clean for me.  I'm not a great housekeeper even when school is on break.

          I don't grow my own wheat, or my own cattle.  I am hopeless with plants.  My oldest now has a greenhouse.  I'm hoping as long as I stay clear, the plants will have a chance to survive.

          If I make my own bread, it is most likely done, at least partially, in a bread machine.  With store-bought, bleached flour.

          Snacks are fruit.  Whole.  Not arranged into pretty faces, or skeletons with cut up bell peppers.  And no dipping sauces, either.

          My clothes, and those of my husband and children, come from the store.  (With few exceptions.  I ADORE sewing, just don't have time for it.)

          I also don't work outside the home.  Getting my children out the door is a challenge, what with all the lost shoes and whatnot.

          Lunch is usually one of two options -- peanut butter sandwiches or vegetable soup.  Occasionally there's nachos, but not often.

          I do cook most evenings.  But there's always Costco pizza and Taco Bell on the Engineer's way home from work.  And I take advantage of that more often than I "should."

          I don't lapbook (I know, you've just revoked my homeschool mother card).  I don't scrapbook.  The pictures are almost exclusively on the computer still.

          I do, however, have three children with lively imaginations, who know how to talk to adults, how to be gentle with smaller children, and how to approach an unfamiliar dog.  The girls are inquisitive, boundlessly curious about everything in their world.  They know themselves and their strengths.  They are proud of their quirks, of who God has created them to be.

          I have a husband who is, without a doubt, doing the job he was created for.  And he's good at it.

          I know I am doing the right thing for my family and myself.  But I am not doing it all.  I can't.  I won't even try.  And I won't ask you "How do you do it all?"  Because chances are, you aren't.  You can't.  And you should probably stop trying to.

          Let's give each other some grace.  Grace to not look exactly like one another, grace to not be able to do it all.  Grace to not have it all together.  Grace to let our own personalities shine.

          Please, let's stop asking, "How do you do it all?"  It just isn't possible.  And the collective guilt is killing us.

Wednesday is the New Monday

I'm sure I've posted on this before, but it's my blog (and no one reads it, anyway), so I'm going to write about this again...

Around our house, Mondays and Tuesdays are usually pretty good.  Wednesday is the day that would qualify as "typical Monday."  And I dread Wednesday starting on Thursday Wednesday bedtime.

This has to change.  I don't know how, though.  I don't have a good answer in this case.  I know I have to change it, but I'm at a loss.

Today's been pretty typical for a Wednesday around here.  It started off with the Doctor and Fidget arguing over chair placement.  And it's pretty much been downhill since.

I'll have to think on this, come up with a plan before next Wednesday, because I've let it go on too long.  And it's pretty awful servanthood on my part.

So, there's my update for today.

When I am Forgotten... But Not Really

Today I heard good news from a friend about mutual acquaintance.  And I was happy for her.  And sad for myself.  And more than a little envious.

Oh, I don't want to take her blessing away.  I just want a similar blessing for myself.  Desperately.  I have prayed for YEARS for a miracle that would allow this blessing in my family's life.  I have cried, pleaded, begged for this same blessing from God for such a long time.

And still I wait.  So often, I feel forgotten.  So often, I feel as though there is no plan, no miracle for me.  I struggle.  I cry.  I sob and beg.  And still, nothing.  Silence.  No miracle, no promise, no hope of a miracle.

Sometimes, it's easy.  Sometimes, I can let life just go on as it is.  Sometimes, I get derailed by the wonderful blessings of others.  And it seems unfair.

Because God does not promise us health, or wealth, or happiness, or even our wants.  He promises that all will work together for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.  But that good may very well await in eternity, not now or here.

Sometimes, all I can cling to, all I can cry is an echo of the apostles, "To whom shall I go?  You have the words of eternal life."  Where else can I go?  I'll admit, if there truly was an easier way, I'm sure I'd at the very least be tempted to take it.  Some days, I so badly want to throw in the towel.

But I'm reminded that this isn't about me.  It's not about what's in it for me.

"Q: What is the chief end of man?
A: Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  (Westminster Shorter Catechism.)

That's what it's about.  Glorifying Him.  Sometimes -- OK, often -- I cannot see how He will be glorified in the circumstances, how His glory will shine through my situation.  I cannot see the good that He's working.  But then I look again -- it's my job to glorify Him through all of this.

Even when I feel forgotten.

Even when it seems unfair.

Even when what I long for, what I cry out about is a good thing, a blessing only He can provide.

Even when it seems that there is no plan.

Even when I cannot see the next step.

Even when I cry, beg, plead, and Heaven is silent.

I must -- I must -- glorify Him.  After all, He has the words of eternal life.  He's the only one who does.

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b).