Me, in All my Selfish "Glory"!

          I wake up around 8:00 or 9:00, but don't feel the need to get up yet.  I phone in my breakfast order.  No one needs anything, at least not from me.  You see, I am alone.  I have my tablet, a stack of books, the laptop, and several knitting projects with me.  There's a TV, but I haven't turned it on yet.

          There's a knock at the door.  Ahhh! breakfast has arrived.  I'll eat what I want, with no little voices asking "may I have a bite?" or "what IS that?  I don't have to eat it, too, do I?"  I can stay in my PJs all day if I want, or take a bath and get dressed later.  I have nowhere to go, no responsibilities.  If I need something, well, there's a phone and I can have almost anything delivered to me.

          Someone else cleans this room, someone else does the dishes.  There's laundry service available.  There's a spa, here, too, or they'll just send a massage therapist up to my room if I want.  Someone else does the cooking -- and he's really good at it, too!

          There are no little voices asking thirty-seven rapid fire questions in under a minute.  Questions ranging from cello to chores, from fish-food ingredients to family, from vacation to violin.  There are no little faces, peeking at me, asking for permission to do things they KNOW I don't want them doing.  No whining when I say no.  No complaining about what we're having for breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/supper.  No little noses to wipe, no loose teeth to help pull.  No dog drool to clean off walls, or chicks whose water dish needs attention.

          I've been here a few days, and I'll be here a few more.

 

          No, this isn't my dream of a perfect Mother's Day.  I prefer to spend Mother's Day with the people who made me one -- my children, and my husband and co-conspirator in their creation.

          Instead, this is my dream of how to be sick as a mom.  Really.  I wouldn't have to worry that the 15 minutes of every hour I spend hacking up bodily organs overnight would keep my husband awake.  When I don't get more than a half-hour of sleep overnight, that's OK, I can take a nap (or two or three) later.  When I just don't have one. more. answer. in my brain, that's OK.  There's no one asking the questions!

          Did you notice something, though?  There's an awful lot of "I's" and "me's" and "my's" in there.  The focus is on me, on what I want, what I might like. 

          Jesus didn't do that.  Even on the cross.  Instead, He asked His Father to forgive those torturing and killing Him, those mocking Him, those who had sought to bully Him, those who had betrayed Him.  Those who would do it all over again, given the chance.

          I'm pretty good at whitewashing over much of my selfishness when life is good.  I can easily be giving and loving when well-rested, healthy, and I have things "under control."  Even though that control is an illusion and I know it.

          But throw me a curve-ball, require that I acknowledge that my control is an illusion, keep me up for too many nights in a row, make me ill, and it's much, much more likely that you'll see selfishness, self-centeredness, and impatience come to the forefront.  Throw me those in multiples, add a sick and whiny little one to the mix, and there's the perfect storm brewing.

          Yes, we've been ill here.  No, I don't like what I've seen in myself.  It's sinful, and ugly.  Yes, it's "natural."  And that's precisely the problem.